Police Issues vs. Parental Issues... there IS a difference!

I made the rounds, stopping at one of our local convenience stores to stretch my legs, grab a Pepsi and chit chat with the counter crew for a few. As I was getting ready to leave, some mid 20's mom walked in with a pouting little girl, probably about 6 or so.

Mom saw me and right away said, "See, there's a policeman... I'll make him arrest you if you're not a good girl."

WTF!

Ya' know, in my rookie years I may have 'helped' mom by shooting a look at the kid, or I may have 'asked' her to be a good little girl for mommy. But my now veteran status means that I've seen more than enough negativity about cops. Granted we do bring most of it on ourselves... so this negative stuff from some mom who can't let her kid be a kid really ticks me off nowadays. Besides, it was 0400... technically my lunch break but understandably too freakin' early for a kid to be 'chipper!'

"You really shouldn't do that, mam." I started out. Being totally matter-of-fact, not about to collect a (ok- ANOTHER) 'Negative Citizen Contact' sheet and a meeting with the Lt. in the morning.

"You see, if you use me as the heavy because of the badge and uniform... and, heaven forbid, something happens to your daughter tomorrow - like she gets lost. She'll actually AVOID going to a police officer for help if she sees one because she'll think that we're the BAD guys. AND if you keep negatively stereotyping police to her... one of these days it may even escalate to the point where she refuses to call us even when her boyfriend or husband is beating the crap out of her."

As the shift's domestic violence officer, I'm responsible for the customer service side of DV Calls and I was able to quickly produce a "Family Assistance Resource" card from my vest carrier. Handing it to mom, who was pretty much in shock at this point, I added, "Here's a Family Assistance Resource Card for you, check out their website and give them a call, they have all sorts of great parenting classes..."

As I walked out I made sure to smile at the little girl and give her one of my Cop Cards that all the kids in our community collect. Her face really lit up!

Of course, I'm not THAT conceited... my card is sponsored by Dairy Queen and the little girl can get a free cone with a cop card that hasn't been punched yet.. :)

You were PROBABLY doing more than just 'talking'...

As an officer, I have had the opportunity to meet several people when they are in the throws of passion while occupying some vehicle that they thought was perfectly hidden away.

It never fails, the female of the pair SWEARS that all they were doing was talking...

Well ladies... police training has taught me to look for these things called 'clues' and to save both of us the embarrassment of sifting through the lies in these already awkward situations... I've decided to let you in on a few of the major clues that slap me in the face while talking to you through the window...

In case you're all wondering, YES I am a Jeff Foxworthy fan...

If my knock on the window causes you to hit your head on the steering wheel and/or dashboard... you were probably doing more than 'just talking...'

If you try to nonchalantly wipe the 'conversation' off of your chin while we speak... you were probably doing more than 'just talking...'

If you are in the back seat and your bra is in the front seat... you were probably doing more than 'just talking...'

If you are in the front seat while your panties are in the back seat... you were probably doing more than 'just talking...'

If the patrol cars spotlight made you accidently put on your boyfriends underwear... you were probably doing more than 'just talking...'

If you try to act as though all is normal even though it is very obvious that your boyfriends hand is "stuck" somewhere... you were probably doing more than 'just talking...'

If there is more lipstick below your boyfriends waist than is on your mouth...
you were probably doing more than 'just talking...'

If you inadvertantly gargle the words, "Good evening officer"... you were probably doing more than 'just talking...'

If you have to spit and/or swallow before saying, "Good evening officer"... you were probably doing more than 'just talking...'

If you step out of the vehicle and discover a used condom stuck to your thigh while we are taking... you were probably doing more than 'just talking...'

and finally...

If you were so involved in "conversation" that you failed to notice my spotlight or my knocks on the window -and- my dash camera records five minutes of your feet planted against the hatch back window -and- the microphone picks up your voice saying, "GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!GIVE IT TO MEEEEEEEEEEeee EEE eee EEEEEE...!!!!!
Well then, you actually were talking, however, we all KNOW that you were doing much more than 'just talking.'

No Politics for Me, Thank You...

Outside of law enforcement, I've had a lifetime in sports.

When the limited skill that I did possess went away, I transitioned to coaching and officiating.

I think that's why so much of this law enforcement stuff comes so easily to me. I just think of it as officiating the game of life.

That's also why I'm able to make the decisions other officers won't. I've already had the perspective that it's not MY decision to make... the person in question chose to do something... the person in question KNEW that the decision had repercussions... I'm merely documenting the activity when I write the ticket or make the arrest... It really IS that simple most of the time!

Writing the Mayor was actually a piece of cake! When he loudly identified himself by asking if I recognized him 'as the mayor of this town that employs you???' I simply said, "Well yes I do... and fortunately, due to the three day ethics training seminar you sent my whole shift to, I know I'm supposed to treat you just as I would treat anyone else. Furthermore, since you require us to wear these digital recorders and video tape every traffic stop... I'm sure your voters will appreciate you taking responsibility for your actions and not using your position to get out of the ticket..."

I AM professional and follow all of my personal ethical guidelines... but I did have one of the most sarcastic shit-eating grins across my face when I said this...

The mayors initial look was of shock, then disbelief... then the same shit-eating grin that I displayed appeared on his face too. Mr. Mayor actually started to laugh a bit! "Well Officer ________, I guess I've got a ticket coming and I'l take it like a big boy."

It's funny, my supervisors were preparing for a huge fallout... to be honest I actually was myself. But low and behold, from the Mayor's point of view, I went from being 'just one of the guys in patrol' to "That Son-of-a-Bitch that gave me a ticket." Of course he always says it with a laugh, and since then I have noticably been moved up the food chain quite a few notches... Delegations to panels, chosen for special duties, guest of the mayor at the annual golf outing...

Hmmmm... Maybe there is something to doing this job while turning a blind eye to the political BS.

I'm not a Racist... but You're Still an Asshole

I was just out 'crunching numbers.' No, we don't have a quota, because THOSE are illegal. But my patrol 'activity standard' means that I should pull about a half dozen traffic stops during a shift. Sure, there are other ways to get points and bring the numbers up, through reports and all. But, just to be safe I like to jump out and grab a few traffic stops right off the bat to make sure I get my daily 'standard'.

It also gets the blood flowing and gets me into a pro-active mindset when I come out a humpin'.

I didn't plan to make a federal case of the traffic stop. I KNOW that there is no such thing as a 'routine' traffic stop so I had my gun unsnapped from the holster, fingers around the grip with the secondary safety disengaged when I began the most polite and professional displays of verbal judo...

but I never got the first sentence out of my mouth when;

"THIS IS MY CAR," belted from the drivers side window...

OOOOooooo K, I thought... then I started again...

"Hello, Sir. I'm -"

"I SAAAAAID. THIS. IS. MY. CAR," again from the driver.

"Ok, sir. I underst-"

"Motherfuckers never believe that I can own a Mercedes," driver's getting a bit indignant at this point. I've had enough of his B.S. but I'm no rookie either... so I'm going to dig the whole a little deeper so he can REALLY step into it.. :)

"Sir, I never questioned if this was your car. But if you can produce your drivers license and registration it would be pretty apparent now, wouldn't it?"

He gives me a look of disbelief then YANKS the registration from above the visor... then begins to dig around in his pockets for his wallet. The wallet cannot be found and he SWEARS that he must have left it at the gym. "You know I belong to a nice health club downtown..." Whatever the point of THAT was.

I continue... "Well, sir... since your registration is not signed, it is not valid per the fine print right here (pointing at the empty box) and since you cannot produce a valid photo ID, I cannot verify who you are..."

He about goes through the roof at this point, "DO I HAVE TO CALL MY MOTHERFUCKING LAWYER??!?!?!"

"If he can bring your drivers license here... sure."

His fists clench and he just about comes out the window, then I continue...

"But sir, that is really unnecessary at this point... as long as you SWEAR that this is your car..."

There's actually some spittle coming out of his mouth at this point. "OFFICER. I. SWEAR... ON A STACK OF BIBLES... THIS! IS! MY! CAR!"

"Ok, sir. Now that we're 1000% certain that this IS YOUR CAR... I figure you're the one responsible for the drivers side headlight not functioning..."

You'd think that I just kicked him in the nuts.
++++

I won't say that I NEVER write a ticket for a headlight infraction... but about 98% of the time I'm just trying to stir something up and the violator is cool and legal so he gets a warning. About 1% of the time, the violator is drunk, suspended, has a stack of warnings... so he earns a ticket or trip to jail based on his other issues. And the final 1% of the people are just assholes who literally talk themselves into a ticket

To make a long story short, I wrote three tickets to this guy. One for the headlight, one for the registration not being signed and one for not having a drivers license in possession.

I don't care what color asshole you are... you'll get the same great service that I afford to all assholes.

You're on the Bottom of the Food Chain for a Reason...

I was sliding around town, the weather kept MOST of the idiots in... except this one. His license plate was no where to be seen, which is no big deal for the shitbox communities around us, but my stats were pretty stagnant so I thought "what the heck?"

On the traffic stop I discovered that he had a dealership 'drive-away' tag... FROM MARCH OF '09!!! As this was January of '10, I used all my training to determine that the plate was slightly beyond the thirty day transfer time.

Then he mentioned that his drivers license 'shouldn't' be suspended anymore...

Then he couldn't produce proof of insurance... oh he HAD it but couldn't afford to renew it... (In case you can't keep up, that means that he doesn't actually HAVE insurance)

He began the long diatride... He had no money to pay for plates or insurance because he was out of work - which wasn't HIS fault - because the bastards that he worked for shouldn't have had given him two random drug tests in the same month (WHA?????). He was getting evicted because the bastards in the section 8 housing authority had dropped him for violating his housing agreement (the marijuana they found during the raid wasn't even felony weight - another WHA????) His baby mama was going home to live with her parents and he wasn't welcomed. He couldn't even afford the $50 every two weeks that the buy here/pay here auto dealership was trying to soak him for. His drivers license was suspended because the idiots at the DMV had messed up his paperwork... (OK, I could halfway believe that one)... and the ONLY reason he drove tonight was for an EMERGENCY... his baby mama needed him to stop at the store and get some milk for the kids in the morning.

I went back to my car and checked his license on the computer... wouldn't want to wake up dispatch you know... then returned to tell Mr. Victim the good news...

First of all, the eviction situation was solved since the warrant for his NINE previous driving while suspended convictions would keep him inside county for the next six months... next, the buy here/pay hear auto place had a civil lien against the car so I could contact them directly and save him any impound fees or future burdens of making payments... and finally, Baby Mama could return the FIVE CARTONS of cigarettes and TWO cases of cold beer that were in the backseat (with the receipt from 15 mins ago taped to them) and have some funds to support the next generation fuck-up...

Ya'know... I think that problem solving is my favorite part of this job!