Conversation of the Week

The classic 0300 traffic stop. Headlight out.

But at this time of the AM you I never know if the driver is going to be one of the unlucky ones trying to pilot his way home from the bar... or the newspaper delivery people who bust their humps every day trying to earn a dollar.

The car is a shitbox, so I'm leaning towards the latter as I approach...

I begin my speech, "Sir, the reason I've pulled you over tonight is because your drivers side headlight is out..."

Before I finish the verbal judo banter, the driver chimes in: "I no speak English."

Greeeeeeeeat...

"Drivers li-cense and reg-is-tra-tion" Those words are cognates, whereas they sound just like the spanish version: Licensio and registracion

He gives me the documents, that goofy grin and repeats, : "I.. NO SPEAK... English"

"Yes sir... well, your drivers side headlight is out, were you aware of that? Or did it just go out...?"

"Officer... please sir... NO ENGLISH..."

"Well you know that you're responsible for having all of your motor vehicle equipment in working order... is your drivers license valid? Any recent citations?"

He points at his license that I'm holding... "Drivers license... yes... NO ENGLISH."

I return to my car, check his background and scribble out the citation.

Back at his drivers side window I explain the procedures, "Sir, here is a ticket for your headlight violation... you have three options, you can request a court date, pay the fine or apply for the deferral program - "

Son of a bitch interrupts me again, "Ticket? But I don't... understand... English..."

"Yes sir, I understand that... and I figure that if you can't speak English, then you probably won't be able to fight this ticket in court so you'll end up just paying it... not really my problem."

He gasps before he starts his rant, "You can't do that! That's RACISM! That's PROFILING! Total BULLSHIT! Just because I don't speak English?!?!?!

He's huffing and puffing as he stares at me...

I just stare back...

He GLARES at me...

I just smile back... well more like a shit-eating grin...

Mr. No Hable grimaces as he figures it out...

"Let's just call this a $78. English lesson," I drop the ticket into his lap before walking back to my car.

----
And how did I know that the 'No Hable' thing was BS??? Simple, I recognized Raul just as he started to talk to me. He's been working behind the counter at a local gas station for the past couple of years, don't think he recognized me in uniform... but I'll be sure to test that bastards English next time I see him!