Cop Humor

I would love to use Tims nickname because the second you read it, you could picture him perfectly in your mind. Unfortunately, that would also blow my cover in this blog and probably result in some disciplinary situation, some new big brother-esque policies, unwanted publicity etc...

Tim thought he was SuperCop well before he became a real police officer. Sure, he's gung-ho (to a fault), well educated (from an unknown mail order college) and has impeccable tactics (even with 94 year old ladies in wheel chairs), but the one thing that you would never accuse Tim of is having people skills.

Sure he's bearable most of the time... you just have to ignore his constant militaristic staccato form of speech, his annoying habit of standing or sitting too perfectly and his ever existing need to inform you of the ways he could kill you right now if he wanted to.

But the TRULY annoying habit of Tim that I cannot ignore is his need to constantly compare himself to everyone and publicly critique all of us 'lesser officers' for our supposed short comings. I really get annoyed when he spouts on about ethical topics... sure, I'm actually a goody-goody and consider myself ethically on a very solid foundation. But Tim likes to touch on the subjects of FOP license plates, cops getting 'breaks' on traffic stops and stuff like that claiming that HE is morally opposed to getting FOP plates because HE doesn't want to be corrupted.

Tim likes to teach all of us old guys a lesson when he can.

That's why I just HAD to run Tim's license plate through our county system. I heard a rumor that he placed a note on his datafile indicating that the car was owned by a cop... and sure enough, HIS login tag was by the information box that stated (asterics and all) : ***VEHICLE OWNED BY OFFICER ______ OF THE _______ PD***

WOW! Talk about hypocrisy!!!

I wanted to bust him in front of everyone... but knowing Tim he'd just have some 'tactical' reason for putting the note in his file. I wanted to change the information but that would leave MY name in the login box...

What to do... what to do... I pondered the situation for about a week. I just had to look at the file once again... and there I saw it, HIS login name and the note: ***KNOWN DRUG TRAFFICKER - HIDES NARCOTICS IN BODY CAVITY***

My lesson for Tim... ALWAYS LOG YOURSELF OFF THE COMPUTER BEFORE YOU GO HOME!

It's all in the ATTITUDE!

Zig Zieglar has always been one of my favorite motivational speakers, I've actually been a fan of his since I was in junior high school and attribute a lot of my successes to how I have managed my attitude. I think some of the bad guys I come across should pay attention to ole Zig.

*****

I arrested two different drunk drivers on Friday Night last week.

Michael was 23, never been in trouble a day in his life - he had actually run his SUV off of the roadway in a hurried attempt to pull over so that he could vomit. Didn't hit anyone but scared the hell out of traffic when he shot across the road and stopped in the grassy parkway.

Brian was 42, and was pulled over for travelling 70 mph in a posted 35 mph zone while bouncing off of curbs and weaving into oncoming traffic.

Michael was actually apologetic when talking to me, said things like: "I'm sorry." " could have really hurt someone..." "I made a mistake..." Michael completed the field sobriety tests (failed), and was pretty apologetic for 'wasting my time' when I took him in for the actual breath test. Michael made a point to tell me that he would offer NO trouble or resistance and asked for some understanding because he was physically ill from drinking... but he promised to comply the best that he could.

Brian... well... he was not as cooperative... sort of belligerent and a basic drunken douche bag. He acted like he did no wrong, told me that I should be catching REAL bad guys, and accused me of profiling him since the police in our town had arrested him last time for OWI. Brian made a mockery of the field sobriety tests claiming to have all sorts of debilitating ailments. I'm hoping that I get to show the video in court... or maybe I'll send it in to one of those TRU TV shows...

Michael sat quietly in booking, asked politely to use the phone so that he could call his boss and let him know about his situaiton. Made some small talk. Apologized some more. When it came time for the breath test, Michael supplied a breath sample in about 20 seconds (perfect) and scored a .13 BrAC. When I told him of his charges, Michael said "I guess I'll learn my lesson on this one..." Then he sat quietly in the holding cell while I finished processing him.

Brian name dropped about 20 people... never heard of a single one of them... was argumentative during the booking procedures making a 10 minute process a 30 minute process. When it came time for the breath test, Brian suddenly developed some mutant form of asthma, emphasema and tuberculosis that prevented him from supplying a breath sample. After three separate attempts I just logged him as 'Failure by Intentional Refusal.' I thought it was sort of funny that Brian could talk non-stop for 45 minutes then be short of breath just in time for the test! Afterwards Brian continued to display the power that his lungs actually possessed as he mother-fucked me from the cells while I completed the paperwork.

Brian and Michael shared a ride to central booking...

*****
I was at central booking a couple of hours ago. The booking officers were joking about how I 'always arrest the nice guys.' It's true! I think my demeanor, philosophy and physical size help out a lot as 95% of the people I arrest just go with the flow and are actually quite pleasant to deal with, all things considering.

The booking officers told me that Michael had been so cooperative and downright nice that they moved him to the front of the line when they purged the drunk tank. He only spent about four hours in the jail.* [Due to overcrowding on the weekends they let non-violent offenders go home on their signature - drunks must have a responsible adult pick them up and sign a waiver]

I know, you're wondering how long Brian got held... well, as of now, it's about 101hours (just a smidge over FOUR DAYS!). It seems as though Brian was uncooperative during the booking procedures so the booking officers pushed him back to the next shift, then he pissed off that shift so THEY pushed him back... He can only be held 72 hours without a bond hearing so he went before the judge on Monday morning where he promptly 'motherfucked' his way into a 10 day sentence for contempt of court!

It's funny, with his good attitude I'm sure Michael will never even face formal charges for OWI. He'll get it plead down to a Reckless Possession of Alcohol or maybe even an Unsafe Driving charge - basically infractionary tickets. Brian on the other hand... I'm seeing a bus pass in HIS future!

WOW!!

Didn't realize a WHOLE MONTH had nearly passed since I last blogged on this site!

Sorry about that, a quick update - I START VACATION TOMORROW!! Actually in about 2 hours so I'm being rather productive for my final shift - NOT!!! Nothing really planned except for yard & housework for the next 14 days, maybe a couple of day trips with my wife besides that, gonna work on the home biz stuff and some of my woodworking hobby stuff.

Let me see if I can update you on some of the weird, outrageous, f-ed up stuff that I have found to be a normal part of my life...

Conversation of the Week

The classic 0300 traffic stop. Headlight out.

But at this time of the AM you I never know if the driver is going to be one of the unlucky ones trying to pilot his way home from the bar... or the newspaper delivery people who bust their humps every day trying to earn a dollar.

The car is a shitbox, so I'm leaning towards the latter as I approach...

I begin my speech, "Sir, the reason I've pulled you over tonight is because your drivers side headlight is out..."

Before I finish the verbal judo banter, the driver chimes in: "I no speak English."

Greeeeeeeeat...

"Drivers li-cense and reg-is-tra-tion" Those words are cognates, whereas they sound just like the spanish version: Licensio and registracion

He gives me the documents, that goofy grin and repeats, : "I.. NO SPEAK... English"

"Yes sir... well, your drivers side headlight is out, were you aware of that? Or did it just go out...?"

"Officer... please sir... NO ENGLISH..."

"Well you know that you're responsible for having all of your motor vehicle equipment in working order... is your drivers license valid? Any recent citations?"

He points at his license that I'm holding... "Drivers license... yes... NO ENGLISH."

I return to my car, check his background and scribble out the citation.

Back at his drivers side window I explain the procedures, "Sir, here is a ticket for your headlight violation... you have three options, you can request a court date, pay the fine or apply for the deferral program - "

Son of a bitch interrupts me again, "Ticket? But I don't... understand... English..."

"Yes sir, I understand that... and I figure that if you can't speak English, then you probably won't be able to fight this ticket in court so you'll end up just paying it... not really my problem."

He gasps before he starts his rant, "You can't do that! That's RACISM! That's PROFILING! Total BULLSHIT! Just because I don't speak English?!?!?!

He's huffing and puffing as he stares at me...

I just stare back...

He GLARES at me...

I just smile back... well more like a shit-eating grin...

Mr. No Hable grimaces as he figures it out...

"Let's just call this a $78. English lesson," I drop the ticket into his lap before walking back to my car.

----
And how did I know that the 'No Hable' thing was BS??? Simple, I recognized Raul just as he started to talk to me. He's been working behind the counter at a local gas station for the past couple of years, don't think he recognized me in uniform... but I'll be sure to test that bastards English next time I see him!

The Failure of Statistical Policing

Quota's are illegal in police work.

'Performance Standards' are not.

A performance standard is a quantitative value that the administration determines. This value is supposed to tell the brass and elected officials if a police officer is doing his job to a satisfactory level by the amount of data that is compiled.

Since it is impossible to place a value on variable police work (things we have no control over) such as calls for service, vehicle crash responses, etc... The administration places emphasis on officer initiated actions such as traffic stops, business checks and citizen contacts.

Sounds good, until you look at some of the aftermath.

Joe is a veteran patrol officer. Although some political BS has marred a couple points of his career... he is an officer's officer. If Joe hears another officer dispatched to a call and Joe happens to be closer - Joe takes the call. If Joe gets a call at five minutes before his break - Joe puts his break on hold. If another officer needs anything - that officer knows he is welcomed to talk to Joe.

Here are Joe's Stats for January 2010:
Business Checks: 180%
Positive Citizen Contacts: 140%
Seatbelt Enforcement: 200%
Moving Violations: 140%
Non Moving Violations: 120%
Written Warnings: 94%

Things that were not on the statistical scoreboard: Joe was the second one to an officer needs assistance call, even though he was the furthest away. Joe covered 40% of the shifts calls for service even though he is part of an 8 man crew. Joe completed 6 cases as an evidence technician.

Joe received an official reprimand for 'Failure of Duty' because his written warnings were 6% short.

I See a War with the Nurses Brewing...

Sooooo... my partner makes a traffic stop across town from my beat. I mosey his direction but he clears after issuing a citation before I arrive. Immediately after his stop is over, he's on the air asking for a Sgt. to 'Signal 8' (meet him) in a nearby parking lot. I hear the Sgt. get there... few minutes later the Sgt. is asking the dispatcher to leave a message for our techs to pull my partner's digital video in the morning. I'm assigned to cover my partners beat while he is 'busy with paperwork for a while.'

Oooooooooo... must be gooooood! :)

While I'm covering the second zone, the GPS shows that the duo spend some time at the station... then go to the hospital... Hmmmmmm...

THEN they go back to the station for 30 mins... I'm like a teenage girl waiting on the days hot gossip!

Finally - my partner clears and I'm released from my double duty. I immediately request a signal 8 of my own.

He shows me his video:

Seems like he was at a red light, and when it turned green he began to pull out but saw a car coming that was about to blow it's fresh red. The car hit the intersection at about 30 mph and made a HARD right hand turn, directly in front of my partner.

Of course a traffic stop ensues... before he even gets a word out of his mouth the lady in the car asks, "What's YOUR problem?" in a pretty harsh tone.

Now my partner is a master at sarcasm but he actually kept a lid on it for once and just said, "Ma'am... my 'problem' is that you failed to stop for your red light and nearly caused a collision..."

"Oh you're full of shit!" says the female voice from within the car. "I hit my brakes and you were so far back that there was no WAY I was going to hit you."

"Regardless, ma'am... you are required to make a full stop before continuing if you wish to make a right turn on a red light... can I see your drivers license and registration, please?" Our community is 90% well-to-do and upper crust so our professionalism is always being touted. I must say that I was actually pleasantly surprised at my partner for keeping his cool - but then again, he IS used to being on video...

"YOU DON'T NEED MY DRIVERS LICENSE, DON'T YOU SEE THIS?" again from the drivers window. My partner tells me that the lady points at the hospital ID clipped to the front of her scrubs.

"Yes ma'am... I see the hospital ID card... your DRIVERS LICENSE is similar in that it has your picture but it also has some other information that I need... most people keep them in their wallets..." I knew he couldn't keep the sarcasm in check for long... :)

There's some mumbling from within the vehicle then, "HERE!" a hand shoots out holding the DL.

My partner takes the DL and asks the driver to remain seated until he returns... she says something that I couldn't figure out as he walks away.

The partner returns to her car with a ticket in his hand.

"What?!?!?! You've GOT to be joking!"

He explains that he isn't...

"Are you SURE you want to do this?" She asks

He explains that it's already done.

"Well it's your funeral, sweetheart," from inside the car.

WHOA! He takes special attention and just says, "EXCUSE ME?"

"Give ME a ticket motherfucker? I'll be sure to remember that the next time you or one of your guys comes into MY E.R.... I'll be the one laughing while you lay on the cot dying."

I can tell that he want's to yank her out the vent window by her nostril, "YOU DO REALIZE THAT THIS TRAFFIC STOP IS BEING RECORDED, DON'T YOU????"

"Like I give a shit! Just remember WHO's in CHARGE once you pass those hospital doors... ASSHOLE. Give ME a ticket??? I guarantee you that if you or any of yours come to MY ER... you may as well call the undertaker - that's all I'm saying."

"Ma'am... threatening a police officer who is lawfully engaged in his duties is a FELONY in this state... you can leave now or I may place you under arrest..."

"HA!" says the bitch from inside the car. "Whatever!" and she peels away from the traffic stop, causing my partner to leap back from her car.

Of course, in the days before video this bitch would be visiting her own ER within minutes of the first sideways phrase that shot out of her mouth.

But today, the kindler, gentler police force that we are handles things a bit differently.

The sarge called the brass to give them a heads up, my partner wrote a report covering the threats... THEN the two went to the hospital where the charge nurse who manages the midnight shift was briefed and allowed to view the video with the officers. She assured my guys that there would be an IMMEDIATE disciplinary measure... she actually called the nurse at home in front of them and informed her that she was on 'Executive Leave' pending a complaint investigation, but did not give her any other details.

The charge nurse also called the nurses state licensing board (again in my guys presence - pretty cool) and suggested a suspension of her license.

Now, I guess the plan is that the detectives will complete some felony charging affidavits and attempt to get a warrant ASAP in the morning. The nurse apparently has a preliminary meeting with the hospital admins set for 10 am... our dicks want to be there with a warrant and perp walk her out of the hospital in order to make an impression.

Maybe I should make an 'anonymous' call to the paper to make sure the pics hit the print for Saturdays paper... Hmmmmmmm ;)

Regardless of what exactly happens later today... SHOULD BE INTERESTING!!!

I Love You Captain Red Pen

Sooooo... the command staff has their monthly meeting. Samo, samo... the Sgt.'s had asked the line officers for their input, then took the input to the higher ups where each piece of input is systemically pitched into the shitcan one by one.

However, we all got a chuckle when it was learned that the Captain of the patrol staff was chastised for not being up to speed on the activity in his own division. The Chief assigned him to read five patrol reports a day. SHOULD be part of the job anyways but the patrol Capt. has been a whiny little bitch since he was passed over for the vacant chiefs job last year.

It didn't take long for the chuckles to stop in the patrol division though... the next day half a dozen reports were kicked back to the officers for "corrections."

One officer had written: "I observed the suspect vehicle traveling at 54 mph in the posted 35 mph zone." Capt. Red Pen circled each 'mph' about a dozen times then wrote: DO NOT USE ABBREVIATIONS across the top of the page.

Another officer wrote: "I responded to Main St." Again Capt. Red Pen responded by grinding his red inked weapon around the 'St.' and scrawled DO NOT USE ABBREVIATIONS for the offending officer to see.

Of course all the Road Dogs are up in arms... with all the real issues that have to be dealt with, Capt. Red Pen is really showing how little effort his job requires if he has this much free time on his hands.

I took very special effort to make sure I didn't get any red ink on the last report that I wrote. And of course I had to take some shots... "The suspect drove a red General Motors Corporation pickup bodied motor vehicle..." "Valerie Dawn Victim was born on the twelfth day of May, the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and sixty-four..."

I was really rather shocked when I discovered that the report had been approved - by the Capt. himself as his familiar handwriting was displayed in the approval box: Capt. R. Pen

YES... I circled the 'R.' and wrote NO ABBREVIATIONS across the page and tossed it into HIS mailbox... I just couldn't resist. That was three days ago - as my weekend began.

I go back to work tonight... should be interesting... :)